by Aaron Hansel
Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes for Sale
Thursday, September 27, 2012 | 12:30 PM
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If you’ve ever found yourself hunting for a used dirt bike, you’ve no doubt come across the many junkers from hell that are available for purchase in the classifieds or on eBay or Craigslist. Whether it’s due to obvious lies or outlandish tales from the seller, or the dilapidated condition of the machine itself, these ads are often hilarious. So, for our readers’ enjoyment, we’ve painstakingly clicked through several Craigslist listings and picked a few lucky winners to mock feature. Read our evaluations and use the comments section below to tell us which ad has the best or worst purchase.
This first one isn’t a motorcycle, the words in the ad are unremarkable and the machine itself appears to be in clean condition. You’re probably asking yourself why we’re looking at it. Well, aside from the fact that this seller is trying to get $3500 for a vehicle that was banned by the U.S. Government in the late 80s, there’s several interesting items in the picture. If you look closely you can pick out what appears to be a blanket, snowboard bindings, a model fire truck, hubcap and some sort of stoplight that looks like it was stolen from the local go kart track. Are these items included in the sale? If not, why are they in the picture? If so, what in the world would you need them for? Our best guess is that it’s some sort of weird three-wheeler operator’s survival kit. The blanket makes sense; you’ll need something to huddle under as you wait for help after maiming yourself in the middle of nowhere. The stoplight is for signaling the first traveler that happens to be passing by, and the nice shiny hubcap is used as payment for a ride back to town. Or maybe you can use it to reflect the sun and attract attention? As for the model fire truck and snowboard bindings, well, we have no idea. If the ATC catches on fire, you'll need a real fire engine, not a model. But perhaps you could take off those back fenders, strap the snowboard bindings to it, and shred your way back to civilization? Perhaps those aren't number plates on the fenders--maybe that's grip tape, or a marker for those bindings? We’re hoping our readers can shed some insight on that in the comments section.
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This first one isn’t a motorcycle, the words in the ad are unremarkable and the machine itself appears to be in clean condition. You’re probably asking yourself why we’re looking at it. Well, aside from the fact that this seller is trying to get $3500 for a vehicle that was banned by the U.S. Government in the late 80s, there’s several interesting items in the picture. If you look closely you can pick out what appears to be a blanket, snowboard bindings, a model fire truck, hubcap and some sort of stoplight that looks like it was stolen from the local go kart track. Are these items included in the sale? If not, why are they in the picture? If so, what in the world would you need them for? Our best guess is that it’s some sort of weird three-wheeler operator’s survival kit. The blanket makes sense; you’ll need something to huddle under as you wait for help after maiming yourself in the middle of nowhere. The stoplight is for signaling the first traveler that happens to be passing by, and the nice shiny hubcap is used as payment for a ride back to town. Or maybe you can use it to reflect the sun and attract attention? As for the model fire truck and snowboard bindings, well, we have no idea. If the ATC catches on fire, you'll need a real fire engine, not a model. But perhaps you could take off those back fenders, strap the snowboard bindings to it, and shred your way back to civilization? Perhaps those aren't number plates on the fenders--maybe that's grip tape, or a marker for those bindings? We’re hoping our readers can shed some insight on that in the comments section.
Click image to view ad
After checking this beauty out the only thing that surprises us is that it doesn’t come with a gun rack. We don’t know what brand it is, and given that the seller simply refers to it as an “off-brand,” we’re guessing he doesn’t know either. Among the "modifications" we see are a rear fender made out of diamond plate, an enormous muffler that looks like it came off of a V-twin street bike and a snazzy black rattle can paint job covering the blue plastics and seat. Obviously, some serious time and effort went into this project, and we’re guessing this bike is the coolest thing to hit the weekly gravel-pit beer blast parties since the seller’s neighbor finally finished ramming that big V8 into his Ford Pinto. Rick Melon, you got nothing on this!
As tempting as it might be to drop $500 on an off-brand dirt bike that almost certainly has fewer papers than a back-alley mutt, we’ve got to recommend that you stay away from this deal for safety reasons. Although the seller seems to have a handle on fitting all sorts of parts from other bikes on this machine, the rear brakes aren’t something he feels are very important, as evidenced by his statement, “…it has no rear brake cause guy before me cut it off…” A sentence later, the seller brags about a claimed top speed of 70 mph. No problem, what could possibly go wrong at 70 mph on a pieced together dirt bike with no rear brakes? (Hey, at least if you loop it out, that fender ain't goin' nowhere).
Click image to view ad
Again, this isn’t a motorcycle, but it is a type of motorcycle accessory, which makes it fair game to be ridiculed discussed in this article. The seller obviously has a sense of humor by describing this sidecar as being in nice condition and attempting to off it for $1000. That’s got to be a joke, right? If you’re going to try to get a grand for this hoopty, at least put some air in the tires and take the junk pile out of it so it doesn’t look as though it’s been serving as living quarters for three unshowered bums and a shaggy dog for the last several years. Oh wait, yeah, vagrants would never enter this device, for fear of Yosemite Sam. He told you to back off!
Speaking of dogs, that’s about all this sidecar is good for. Just chop the top, throw some bomber goggles and a long, flowing white scarf on your four-legged friend and hit the open road. Actually that doesn’t sound too bad. Anyone know if this thing can be adapted to fit my RM-Z450?
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These are great, I love it!
I gotta vote for the off brand bike. That exhaust is special! And so is the checker plate fender, he must have felt very clever coming up with that.
I actually saw a guy spoon a V8 into a Pinto once. It was going pretty well until he tried using some pressed paper for some gaskets. it ran but put about a pint of oil on the ground per minute!
@ rustymxer I once spooned a 44-24-34 Blond 22yr old for a couple of hours ! I had the best time ! LOL !
Yeah, the off brand junker wins this one. I'm just wondering how many leg burn scars that pipe has delivered over the years. I'm sure the guy is used to wearing cut off jean shorts and a wife beater t-shirt to keep his legs 'cool' ! Keep em coming! Funny!
I don't see much particularly funny about someone selling an ATC250R for about a thousand too high (regardless of the fuel jug, hub cap or antique toy also in the picture). Maybe you could pick the numerous examples of bikes with no rear fenders that say, "Comes up in every gear." That would be mildly funnier - and abundant. Unless you are just laughing over someone wanting a 3 wheeler, which is pretty bogus considering if you learn to ride one well - you can ride everything in your stable that much better.
Hey @ Micahdog RELAX dude.
Missouri Craigslist, I live in MO, and these have been on CL for a while now. I would not take the heep of sh%T off brand bike for free let alone pay 500 bucks for it.
.I've noticed a lot of trade offers lately. People are getting rid of their MX bikes for off-road golf carts. WTF?
I'd take the three wheeler with the snowboard bindings and hub cap thing. What CAN'T you do on that? And only $3,500 too! Who are these people?
Great idea, funny stuff.
I lightened up. Now I see the funny. Hey I found another one:
http://stlouis.craigslist.org/mcy/3294385452.html
Look, it's a piece of junk - LOL. There is a shed. A seed spreader? Whoa, is that for when it pukes it's valvetrain all over the place? This ad is hilarious.
Sounds like Micahdogg is still upset by the government ban of his beloved three-wheelers :(
Those ATC three wheelers are wicked!! My buddy has a 1985 and its in nice shape like that one. I'd say buddy is asking $3,500 because they are rare in that nice of shape which I hardly find very funny...the picture is dumb but I'd bag that ferggin trike around the farm all day long man ..
I owned and raced a ATC 250 R, behold..
http://i122.photobucket.com/albums/o257/Ultra54/1985.jpg
It was cool and the best was anybody and everybody I let try it out would wipe it out when it came on the pipe. I wish I still had it.
This dude seems pretty funny. We need a way to save the good ads.
http://fayetteville.craigslist.org/mcy/3230749157.html
I love these things, but it always brings the memory of selling my 73 Can Am 125, to some poor unsuspecting kid. I remember the air box was a custom job made out of old liscense plates, the rotary motor blew up regularly 500.00 a pop My ad was something like "New motor,very fast" (only I knew for sure, not long) MUST SEE!! I always have felt guilty about that one.
Micahdog ....your hilarious.......got any pictures of your quad.
Micahdogg, I hate to admit this but I had an 82 ATC250R and got good on it. (in my own defense,I only got it because it was cheap after my friend broke his collarbone and his wife made him sell it) Anyway,I wised up and bought a 83 CR250 and I ripped on it.Now I know why.
I have to say.... Well done RacerX. I really think this should become a weekly column for good. That bike all patched together with the bazooka for a muffler made me laugh for sure! I love it! Sad thing is, the "core" "real " moto guys that wear gear and keep their bikes perfectly dialed, are so out numbered by the goombas that post ads like this, and ride motorcross with their buddies on the weekends. These bikes and ads are awesome though, and you have to keep em coming!
@ tonewall:
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z84/Micahdogg/100_5892.jpg
And yeah, the diamond plated up bike is pretty funny. I'm a bike guy at heart, but love trying to ride the wild bull atc. I can ride it pretty good, but always feel like it's a war. Then the KTM feels like I'm not even trying.