The Return of Lord Alfred Weigandt

(Note: I have this rich Uncle who lives in England. He's a very biased pro-European motocross fan. From time to time he sends me stuff to post on this site. It usually gets people very mad. I suggest you just laugh at it. Here goes.)

Well E’llo! Lord Alfred Weigandt here awakening from a glorious slumber. Many have asked where my realistic visions on sport have been hiding. Well, after watching King/God Stefan Everts systematically dismantle American motocross at Matterly Basin in 2006, I took it as a sign that my work was done. The world now truly understood the blatant superiority of European talent in comparison to their Yank counterparts, who are more interested in freestyle jumping, cross ups and clickers than being true sporting champions.

I basically fainted after Everts made his glorious pass and haven’t woken up until now.
No worries, I knew fellow patriots Beckham and Searle would do my bidding anyway. Becks has launched the popularity of soccer so soundly in the States that teams from Europe are just begging to bring him back. I’m sure thy fear that his European influence will make the U.S. the main world outpost for soccer, just like real men like DeCoster and Robert launched motocross in the States fortnights ago. Spain, though, will have to wait. Becks will first eclipse Michael Jordan in popularity by the end of 2010 and then he can return to the Continent with American hearts tucked into his deep pockets. Don’t worry, folks, you have satellite TV now, so you will still be able to watch him. Hearts will only bend, not break. Bend it like Beckham, as we say. Haha!

We can combine Becks’ success with the one-two British Formula 1 punch of Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button, who by next weekend will have delivered back-to-back world driving championships for mighty GB. We have now truly brought world sport to a new level, and as such, even Richard Carmichael II has chosen to abandon motocross and take up car racing. No doubt, Lewis’ spectacular rookie F1 season in 2007 gave Carmichael that idea.

So now let me focus on my favourite topic of sport, motocross. The Searlinator come second in last year’s MX2 World Championship chase only to “The Accomplished Colonist” Tyla Rattray, and they set up a double-edged attack on American scrambles for 2009. Searle ended up sixth and Rattray was ninth in the final points, an amazing run for their first year in the U.S. Keep in mind these two world-class sportsmen had never raced on the American tracks before. I can’t imagine another rider coming over from the GPs and doing any better in his very first season racing over here.

Searle and Rattray will surely dominate American racing next year (even stadiumcross). So set, in fact, is Searle’s path to dominance that the all-mighty King Kurt Nicoll has left his post at KTM, content knowing that Searle has orange dominance locked in for the next decade. Now it’s on to the last bastion of American existence, freestyle. King Kurt is now running the show for Travis Pastrana and his band of merry imbicles in the nac-nac circus. The takeover has begun!

But taking down the Yanks at their own game begins next season. This year at the Trophy des Nations, a trap has been set across the Atlantic, and three over-confident American lads are walking right into it. This is the moment I have been waiting 23 years for, and I’ve already booked a return flights to Italy and Australia so I can visit the Peter Chamberlin trophy again in a few months (that is, if it doesn’t just return to its rightful place here in GB. Go Searle! Go Simpson! Go Billy Mac!)

An Italian Trophy of Nations (what I like to call it) brings up bad memories for we Brits. The tragic events of Maggioria, Italy, in 1986, rank up there with bombing raids during the Great Wars. It was on that day that grown men wept, women cried, and children, soaking in their parents tears, asked, “would this be the right time for me to enjoy my first pint?” And it was. At the Trophy des Nations of 1986, the Septic Tanks (Yanks) won every moto, punctuated by Johnny O’Hannah, on a 1-2-5, passing King/God David Thorpe in a sorry second moto. This was a sad set of circumstances for Thorpey, who had lost the brakes on his monster CR500 and chose to merely hanging back and score solid, consistent points for his team. Back then, the 1-2-5s and the 500 bikes were scored separately, and hence Thorpy, ever the wise, knew he didn’t need to mess with that annoying nat on the buzzing bike. O’Hannah, as with any other cocky American of that era (and any other), risked his team’s success and instead focused on individual glory. Proud Englishmen like King Kurt Nicoll would never stoop to such levels! Consistency is why King Kurt is known as one of the greatest vice champions of all time!

Anyway, there are many reasons why Thorpe struggled that day, some stories which will never go told since David the Golliath doesn’t make excuses. I’ve heard he lost his brakes. Or he was tired from carrying an entire family out of a burning building a few days earlier. And remember, he was actually helping the Americans by developing future Hondas with his works bike, whereas the inferior Americans had to ride production bikes that year.

Surely Ricky Johnson, who won the 1987 and 1988 500 Championships in America, can thank Thorpey for taking one for his company and developing the future production 500 in September of 1986! Just imagine how strong Thorpe could have tuned in a Triumph of BSA. Oh I’m bloody soiling myself thinking of that scenario…it would have been a triumph indeed.

Anyway, Great Britain took its revenge on the Yanks at Roggenberg in 1994 and the rest is history. Just like the USA’s win streak, which ended then and will end again this weekend.

Yes, motorsport can be a cruel mistress, bringing the rush of victory and conquest, but also the crushing heartbreak and cold revenge of a woman scorned. Indeed in this case, England is the woman (a very tough, strong, manly type woman, however) and the fury will be unleashed on the Americans.

Of course, they are not aware of the trap that has been set for them in Italy. Any smart American racer wouldn’t go near this event, but smart American racer is an oxymoron, and as such they found three willing to try. From what I hear, Mr. O’Hannah himself has been linked to both Tedesco and Dungey as a physio trainer. No surprise.

I give credit to a few American riders, namely Bubba Stewart, who wisely decided to not in this year’s event. Bubba saw the motocross writing on the wall and it said, “Searle is coming.” You believe it’s a coincidence that he bowed out of natural-terrain racing at the very same moment Tommy boy arrived?

In 2008 Bubba again expected victory, coming in overconfident after winning every single moto in the States. He of course wasn’t used to the speed of his European challengers, and after Sebastien Pourcel applied lap after lap of relentless pressure, James crashed. Broken in spirit by a Frenchman! Incredible. Bubba hasn’t raced a motocross race since.

So I applaud James for making the right move and bowing out. Same for little Villo, who wanted no part in taking on his arch rival “Super” Tony Carolli in Italy. Caroli delivered a championship in his first season on a 450 this year. I look at the results and see Villopoto finished 24th in his first 450 season in the U.S. Run, run away, Ryan.

That leaves Dungey, Tedesco and some MX2 guy I have not heard of. Cockiness runs in the American blood, and Dungey will race motocross on a 450 for the first time here. He will taste O’Hannah’s medicine when Searlinator runs him down on the 250F! Tedesco was flat whipped at the conclusion of his last moto at the ‘of Nations back in 2006, exhausted from trying to run the GP pace. And the other guy, what’s his name, Wimmer? I predict he will be not a Wimmer but a loser when it’s all over. Oh how I make myself laugh sometimes!

Meanwhile, the hot-blooded Italians have a veritable super-team, led by Super Tony, backed by last year’s MX1 Champion David Phillapearts, and featuring David Guarneri in MX2. Like the moments before a well-cooked Italian meal, this team is hungry. Don’t expect any seconds, either.

The Italians made the right decision to join the Brits in the second Great War, and now they will win another battle this weekend. If they falter, we have the always-strong Belgian team, with Clement “American Podium” DeSalle leading the way. If anyone is hungry, it’s the MX Panda!

As for the Brits, we have recently added Shaun Simpson to the team. With Searle heading to dominate the U.S., Simpson was set to dominate MX2 this year, proving that you can, indeed win wars while fighting on two fronts. Injuries forced Simpsy out of the chase, though, and a Frenchman named Marvin Musquin snuck through. French fans beware, though. Their last major star-to-be was named Christophe Pourcel. He won the MX2 Championship in 2006, was beaten down by Super Tony in 2007, and then disappeared from the rankings altogether after that. I honestly have no idea what Christophe is up to nowadays but I note he’s not on the entry list for Team France this weekend. Surrender probably has something to do with it.

The rest of our team includes Searlinator, of course, and the venerable Scottsman, Billy MacKenzie. Yes, Billy Mac is racing for Team GREAT BRITAIN. Get it? Scottsman Jeff Ward was a traitor for winning eight Trophy des Nations for the U.S. team, and now Canada will make the same grievous error by putting Scottish-born Dean Wilson on their team. Line up Wilson with Simpson and Searle and you’ve got the strongest young trio in the motocross world. That’s Great Britain!

(At least Canada still respects the Queen so I’ll give Wilson a free pass for the weekend).

Last but not least (and certainly not last, either) comes me Australian mates, Reedy, Byrnie and Metty. Take a look at the Aussie flag and you will see the Union Jack proudly embedded in it. The Aussies simply take what they like: our flag, and America’s 450 motocross championship! With Reed and Byrne aided by DeCoster, chances are that the Land Down Under will finish up top!

Allow me to make a prediction for this weekend’s race:

1. Great Britain
2. Italy
3. Australia

Truthfully, I haven’t been myself lately, and by lately I mean the last 23 years. Our proud British Empire has been rocked and ravaged before, and we have always proven to return to form even stronger, and I have a feeling in me bones that this year, we will rise again!